People were talking about ecstasy (X, Beans, MDMA, Molly) like it was pure poison that will kill you in an instant. So of course, I had to try it. The pure stuff was expensive and hard to find…we got the designer pills.
The first time I took ecstasy; I didn’t feel anything. I imagine the pills were fake.
My friends and I said= “I think I might be feeling something.” or “Are you rolling yet? I think I am starting to roll.”
We stand around in someone’s apartment. I watch the visualizer on some game system and listen to techno. I didn’t roll, not a damn inch.
The second time I took ecstasy; we went to a club. My friends and one guy who kept to himself; were the only people in the club that night. The second time I did roll, but only a little. I stare into a strobe light. I lay against a speaker and enjoy the vibrations of the bass. Nothing wonderful or horrible happens.
My friend tells me about a rave in North Carolina called Tantric. She says I need money. I usually didn’t have to pay for drugs and I didn’t have the money.
Mother decided it was time to give me her wedding ring. Someone at work told her “When a husband dies; the wedding ring goes to the eldest daughter.” I was she. I was also mad at my Dad. Mad as hell at him. I didn’t want a physical reminder of him or his death. I pawn the wedding ring. I have enough money to go to the rave.
We go to North Carolina and cram into a cheap ass hotel room. We snort cocaine. We smoke pot laced with crystal meth. We drink Zima. Zima tastes like ass, fruit soda and alcohol. After I have three beers, two laced joints and a couple lines of coke I sit around.
“I am not high! Are you guys high?” Frank asks.
I am not the only one! I think.
“I am not high.” I say.
“But we just! How the FUCK did that happen?” Frank asks.
“I think all the uppers and downers canceled each other out.” I say.
Frank gives me a big glassy eyed stare.
“Can that even happen?” Frank asks.
“It just did” I say.
The next day was the rave. We all had two ecstasy pills to take. They were called Mitsubishis with chocolate chips.
“Look at the x. You see the chocolate chips? That is heroin.” Frank says.
“These were expensive as fuck. If you puke, you better pick the bean out of the puke and take it again. Don’t take more than one in a six-hour period; you will fucking die.” Jessica says.
Everyone takes their pill.
“I want to take both. I want to get fucked up this time.” Tiffany says.
“Don’t do it. These are so much stronger than anything we have had before.” Jessica says.
Tiffany pouts. We all take our first bean for the night.
Someone in a B movie animatronic Horror movie monster suit walks into the building. Frank freaks out and runs towards the monster.
“He would be the first one to die in a horror movie.” Jessica says.
“Yep” I say.
We take turns taking pictures with the animatronic monster. I start to feel different. I am transfixed by the horror movie monster. Then it is gone, the group splits off. I stare at the second bean in my hand. The chalky white part of it is melting way into the wrinkles on my palm. I don’t have a pocket to put it in. I don’t want to have a weak high again. I take the second pill. I walk around. My friend Tiffany is making out with a very cute guy. I feel the pangs of jealousy. Jessica and Frank are a couple; so they are in a private place fucking. That left me and Webster.
Webster had a bad habit of hitting on me when I was very fucked up. Webster was the first guy I ever French kissed. I was drunk off my ass at the time. I get as far away from Webster as I can. I find a dance floor that is going crazy. I am feeling the music. I can’t dance, only preps dance. I am not a prep! I think. I bob my head and cross my arms over my chest. The ecstasy starts to dig in deep. I don’t roll. I spin out of control. My heart races. I start sweating a lot. I run around asking strangers for clove cigarettes and massages. I get clove cigarettes and talk to a guy who is laying on the pavement.
“I smacked out too early!!! Fuck that is not good…but it feels so good. Ummm so good to be smacked out.” The guy says.
I smoke my black cigarette. The smoke feels like an oral orgasm. I get a wave of warm soothing pleasure rolling in a constant circuit from my head to my feet. I go back inside and hop around the dance floor. I go ask a girl for a clove. I give myself a scalp massage. Someone gives me a vibrating massaging device. I call it a vibrator the rest of the night. I end up in a van full of people I don’t know. I am massaging my scalp.
“We go around the country and go to raves. We don’t get high but we still have fun. You don’t need drugs to have fun.” A boy tells me.
I am too high. I am not hearing it. I search for my friends. I find Webster. Webster is smoking a joint. I sit down next to him. He passes me the joint. He opens his mouth to say something and a massive red firework explodes in the air above us. The beauty of the firework makes us both shut up and watch. More fireworks go off. Bang Bang Bang! I have to put mental effort into remaining upright. Webster passes me the joint.
“Is this laced with crystal meth?” I ask.
“Yeah” Webster says.
“I don’t want anymore.” I say.
I pass the joint back to Webster. I watch the fireworks. The display ends. I get back to the most active dance floor. They are playing a song that is a remix of that “I wear my sun glasses at night” song. I can feel a wave of pleasure going up and down my body. I watch a guy who is swirling two green glow sticks on strings around. I sit on a chair. A spike hits my back. I stand up. I realize that I just got jabbed by a rusty nail. OMG! Did I just get AIDS from sitting in a chair?! I think.
I go back to the ravers who don’t get high. I tell a girl I am a mix between Stephen King and Picasso. She isn’t buying it. I realize I am around strangers. People who haven’t seen my art or read my stories. I go back to find my friends. I see Tiffany laying on the ground. She is squiring like a worm on a hook. She has two black X-es on her shoes made out of electrical tape.
“Tiffany, can you hear me?” I ask.
Tiffany’s eyes are shut. Tiffany squirms around. Is not responding to me. Jessica finds me.
“That fucking guy she was with gave her more ecstasy. She is fucked. Come over here I need you by the port-o-potty.” Jessica says.
I follow Jessica to the port-o-potty. Frank is hanging out behind it.
“I need you to hold on to the drugs.” Frank says.
“FUCK THAT MOTHER FUCKING SHIT! HELL NO! TIFFANY IS OVER THERE OD-ING! DON’T YOU TWO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELVES?” I say.
Frank and Jessica step back.
“The drugs are switching gears on you. You are wigging out. That happens sometimes, just chill.” Frank says.
“Mellow” Jessica says.
“FUCK YOUR FUCKING MELLOW! I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO KILL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!” I say.
I storm off and go back to Tiffany. Paramedics are loading her into the back of an ambulance.
“Do you know this girl?” A female paramedic asks.
“Yes” I say.
“I need to know what she has been taking over the last 48 hours.” The paramedic says.
“Everything” I say.
“She is going to die if we can’t treat her. We can’t treat her if we don’t know what she has in her system.” The paramedic says.
“Ecstasy, cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, alcohol and pot.” I say.
The paramedic’s eyes bug out.
“What is wrong with her?” I ask.
“What do you think is wrong with her?! Would you like to ride with her?” She asks.
“Sure” I say.
I get into the back of the ambulance. I see the two black X-es on Tiffany’s shoes. I think of the old cartoons when characters get X-es over their eyes when they die. Tiffany’s cheeks are covered in a red rash. I remember a documentary I watched about ecstasy overdoses. A rash on the cheeks is the first sign of liver failure; according to the documentary. Tiffany isn’t moving anymore.
“Are you family? You can’t ride with her if you are not family!” The male paramedic says.
“I am not family.” I say.
“Then you can’t ride with us.” He says.
“What are those X-es for?” I ask.
“We put X-es on the shoes of all the kids who are overdosing. We have to go, now.” The female paramedic says.
I get out of the ambulance. I scream at Frank and Jessica more. We all go back to the hotel. I ride to the hotel with a beautiful black girl with blazing blue contacts.
“You want to do a bump of ice?” She asks.
“What is ice?” I ask.
“Ice is very very niiiice.” She says.
I snort a bump of ice. I feel a pleasant warm sensation in my nose. I don’t feel anything else. I am still rolling too hard to feel anything else. We get to the hotel. The girl with blazing blue eyes leaves.We smoke cigarettes outside. There is another girl there.
“Sir Mix A lot is having an after party for the rave. Do you want to go?” She asks.
“Hell yes I want to go!” I say.
“We aren’t going.” Jessica says.
“Why the fuck not?” I ask.
“Tiffany is in the hospital. We need to go inside and get some sleep.” Jessica says.
We go inside. I close my eyes. I see phosphorescent blue and green pipes forming themselves behind my eyelids.
“Annie said these pills have LSD in them. She said they made her trip balls. Annie is such a dipshit.” Jessica says.
The phone rings. Jessica answers. There is a hush in the room broken by a few, yeah, uh huhs. Jessica hangs up the phone.
“That was Tiffany. They called her Dad. She is pissed of at you.” Jessica says.
“At who?” I ask.
“At you!” Jessica says.
“I SAVED HER FUCKING LIFE!” I say.
I lay down and watch the neon pipes weave intricate paths behind my eyelids. If it wasn’t for Tiffany’s lame ass we would be at a party with Sir Mix a Lot right now. Fuggin’ Bitch! I think.
To this day Tiffany is still mad I told the paramedics what she took. I found out that Ice is just Crystal Meth. After a night of staying up with Jessica and her new boyfriend; I discovered I fucking hate Crystal Meth with a passion. Now that I am 36, I avoid drugs. I got better shit to do and better people to hang out with.